Boxed-In By Family

Dear Dog Lady,

My father, who lives with me, my husband, and my son, adores our boxer, Diesel. He loves him so much, that he pays 99 percent of his attention to our dog and only one percent to his two-year-old grandson. He has never played with, nor taken my son for a walk. Yet he goes for a walk with Diesel at least five times a day. He sleeps with our dog, and takes care of him. It’s as if our dog is my father’s own pet. We don't get a chance to spend time with Diesel, because he enjoys my Dad's company rather than ours.

My Dad basically ignores my son, but he talks to the dog all the time. This is making me so frustrated, because I do not understand how somebody can love an animal more than his two-year-old grandson.

I love my dog very much. I always wanted a dog, and that's why my husband got him for me three years ago, but the unconditional love I have towards my son cannot compare to my love for my pet. Please, how do I approach my father about this problem?

Sandra, Seattle, WA

Sandra, your letter is quite poignant. Your father seems boxed-in by his feelings for the boxer. This is understandable since the dog does not present any emotional complications for grandpa – unlike the two-year-old grandson who is a real little person with needs and demands. It’s probably been a long time since your Dad had a toddler in the house. Perhaps he feels unable to cope with the challenges while it’s easier for him to serve the dog’s needs.

Dog Lady understands your hurt over your father’s misdirected attentions. However, she also understands your father’s attachment to Diesel. Dad lives in your house, but it’s not truly his home. He bonds with Diesel because the two of them are the outsiders since the baby was born. Dad and dog do not fit in to the nuclear unit threesome that is now you, your son and your husband.

Talk to your father – not angrily but lightly -- if you can manage it. Put baby in the stroller and go along for a walk with him and Diesel. Say something like: “Hey, Dad, this is so nice that we can all go out together.” Let him know much you enjoy spending time with him. Expressing appreciation breaks down barriers.

Sandra, your unconditional mother-love toward your son is not shared by your father. He’s finding his own way. His path might not be the one you choose, but he’s trying the best he can to belong to your pack.

Posted by Dog Lady at September 12, 2008 04:29 PM